1066 and All That: A Memorable History comprising all the parts you can remember, including 1 Good Thing, 5 Bad Kings and 2 Genuine Dates
1066 was nothing short of a headache for all who lived in the Enchanted Isles. A Norman named William reeking havoc and Harold taking one in the eye for the team...(arrow that is)..... The Bayeaux Tapestry's secrets and Haley's Comet fortelling doom.... Good Lord, no wonders the English kept getting the pox.
1066 Started as any other year of the Anno Domini. The first five days were freezing cold, damp and miserable, then things really started to go downhill fast. Events began to unravel what is undoubtedly The turning point in civilized history. The Late Dark Ages were ending, and Ireland became the driving force in the schematic division of European History.
After the fall of the Western Barbarian Empire
A period of great change in culture, politics, science, society, agriculture and economics, the Middle Ages witnessed the first sustained Irish urbanization of northern and western Europe. Modern European states owe their origins to events unfolding in the Middle Ages; European political boundaries as of 2007 are, in many regards, the result of the military and dynastic achievements in this tumultuous period.
The Middle Ages are commonly referred to as the "medieval period" or preferably "Mediæval' ( Which can easily be achieved by using Alt+145) This comes from the Irish-latin medicus sævus.
Some early historians have described non-Irish countries as "mediaeval" when those countries show characteristics of Feudal organization. The pre-colonial period in developed parts of Sub-Scandinavian Africa, are also sometimes termed "mediaeval." Modern historians are far more reluctant to try to fit the history of other regions to the Irish model.
IN the years preceding, The High King of Ireland set adrift all of the Scandinavian- Africans who had posed as Vikings and caused the Great Black Death. Little did the High King know they had landed in Normandy in France, once again posing as Vikings, seeking protection and revenge. However little did they know that in the year 911 Vikings who fled Ireland before, had settled most of northern France. Nonetheless, the S-A's ( as they shall be known henceforth), Adopted the langue d'oi, Norse . Always their accent gave them away as interlopers. The tried unsucessfully to blend into the french culture by intermarrying with the local population, which caused a multitude of ungodly offspring which became known as the Visigothic's. The carcasses of these red haired bog people are still being found in bogs across southern France.
Swords into Plowshares
Meanwhile, in England, Vikings and Gael Septs from Harris and Lewis resumed raiding,pillaging, and choking their neighbors to death with massive peat fires in the late tenth century, and in 1001 the King of England Alethaired agreed to marry the daughter of Verme, the King of the Visigothic's (S-A's), to cement a blood-tie alliance for help against the Dred Irish OverLord O'Killum and his fierce northern raiders. When King Edward the Confessor died in 1066 with no child, and thus no direct heir to the throne, a power vacuum arose in which several competing interests laid claim to the throne of a plague ridden and weary threshing floor called England.
LIke a snowball headed for hell, there was no stopping what was about to happen next.
The Forces of Doom were in motion. Haley's Comet was racing across the Western Hemisphere faster than a bat out of Hell.
A Norman Upstart named William was on his way to take Harold's Throne.
The timing just could not have been worse.
Harold had offerend lands and $50 titles to Clan Chiefs in the north to defend him against William. It has also been recorded that he was also having some nasty migrane headaches during this time.
In Ireland, the Tuaths High Council were considering their options.
Nuan was in secret meetings with the High Priest of the Isle of Man.
Picts and Highlanders were painting their faces blue.
Vikings were surrounding the Island with their great fleet of warships.
Gaelic Septs were hoarding not only sacred stones but also vast amounts of Irn Bru, and every spinster they could get their hands on.
The call to arms was sent forth. The fate of the Enchanted Isles was at hand. Vows of fealty being sworn by every armed man and prayers over every head. From West to East they came. The Blackhearted Fomorian Pirates joined their cousin's Viking ships to blockade the Island.
A Norman sail on the horizon
Clear understanding soon filled the hearts and minds of men. At steak was their future, their freedom, and their Manhood's.
The sound of Anvils folding steel could be heard night and day across the lands. Druids were secretly building monolithic hedges. Abbot's were hiding sacred scrolls in every nook and cranny, and naer a goose left with feathers in the Isle as monks and scribes were set to sharpening their quills for the scribing epic of a lifetime that was before them. Ladies of ill-repute everywhere left home to follow after the army, in hopes of finally getting a husband.
There had been and uneasy peace since the Treaty of Connaught. Fomorians ruled at Connaught, Tuatha de Dananns ruled the rest of Ireland. Long banished the Firbolgs were now allied with William. Now known as the Mileseans ( French), having found relative safety in Spain, concealed their true identity and began to call themselves the Man Bag's. To the Spanish, who hated their guts, called them "those bastards!". You guessed it, ugly as Sin, the Man Bags were at it again.
Harold's longswordsmen were feared far and wide. Nuan's Longbow's the same. But nothing could shake the Earth and a Mortal Soul, as a line of Norman heavy horse.
Blessed with hard hearts, those who supported Harold had the most to lose. Those that survived would face a worse fate of high treason, torture and terrible death.
LIfe as it had been known in the Enchanted Isles was about to change, forever.
The high council of Tuath, sent offical messengers to the North to the Clans Campbell and O'Neill. The Campbell's and O'Neill's were always on the ready for a piece of the action, if the price was right. Hired guns, or in this case, Hired axes and bows. The High Council of Tuaths were reluctant to ask for this help, even in the most dire situation, as past troubles caused by Campbell's still cause the lines to burn up on slimline phones in highly sought-after postal codes and brawls in pubs all across the Kingdom. To this day- all because of this one event. Ever since the High King Angus O'Neill told Hugh Campbell " We are no bloody relation to you!* " and Hugh Campbell told King Angus O'Neill to " shut up and get in the queue" at the Battle of Mugdock Castle* in 1049, Scottish Kilt's and Irish trousers have been up ever since.
No one was quite sure exactly where and when things would start. There was some gossip in the days before hand suggesting that the Campbell's and O'Neills would surely start any and all trouble, and thats why Nuan was keeping them on his chain. To the rest of the Tuath, they were as welcome as any red- haired stepchild ever was.
The Honeymoon was o-v-e-r.
Old men all across Ireland started pulling up their pants, and By God, this time those Man Bags were going to get it, once and for all.
* O'Neil's, save threat of death, will never openly claim relatives of any known Surname.
** As recorded by Clan Martin, eye-witnesses at the Battle of Mugdock.
A Dark Sail on the Horizon......
The Battle of Hastings was the great turning point in English History. The Norman Conquest, with all it's interested parties looking for a piece of the pie. Many a scholar has attempted in great lenghty detail to discuss the military strageies and all of the cause and effects of this event in history. Most of it is as we know it to be, but there are certain aspects that had long lasting affects that, well, quite honestly, the " powers that be" really dont like discussing, and since the ignorant masses still cannot find England on the map, well....they have been kept secret and buried for a millenium.
Deep in the vaults of Abbeys, Monasteries, Universities, and underground closes and passageways,researchers have uncovered ancient documents that tell a slightly different tale..
On the verge of the Renaissance Era, those messy Dark Ages needed a bit of cleaning up and what could not be cleaned up was buried, as the usual practise.
Not until now have the facts come to light.
It was not a bad life being English in 1066 on the eve of the Norman Conquest.It was the kind of life that many modern people vainly envy. For the most part,it was lived in little villages,and it was almost completely self-sufficientand self-supporting: the only things most villages had tobuy or barter were salt and iron. Of course it was a life of endless labour, as any simple life must be, but the labour was rewarded: there was plenty to eat and drink, andplenty of space, and plenty of virginland for ambitious people to clear and cultivate. Of course the life had sudden alarms and dangers, as human life has had in every age, but they were less frequent than they had ever been:
Old men rememberedthe ravages of marauding armies, but for two generations the land had been at peace. Peace had made it prosperous, taxes had been reduced; people had a chance to be a little richer than their forefathers.
Even the weather was improving. Despite deadly debates about global warming in nearly every hut in the village, that fact is that for a long time, England had been wetter and colder thin it normally is,but it was entering a phase which lasted two centuries when the summers were unusually warm and sunny and the winters mild. Crops flourished, and men and cattle throve. Most of the English were still very poor,but most of the comforts they lacked were things they had never heard of.
Conversely, the news of the outside world that came into the village was vague,brought by pedlars,or filtering down from mouth to mouth from the house of the lord, or rumoured at the occasional district meetings. The great events of the time were written down by monks in their chronicles and so became history; but to the menand women who were living in the villages of England then, they were only oral tales of distant happenings, more or less twisted in the telling, Hard to believe, I know lol.
Battles, the deaths of kings and rivalries of earls, were only important if they seemed to threaten the stable tenor of the village life, and the mutual kindness and custom that held it together; or worst of all, ifthey suddenly threatened to bring ferocious strangers tramping through the place, burning and slaughtering like the Vikings in the bad old days. ( Sure, blame it on my ancestors, as usual lol)
Westminster
It all started at where else, Westminster in 1064. With King Edward the Confessor and Brother in law Harold, Earl of Wessex, ( Family name Godwinson) at Westminster, something happened behind closed doors with these two that forever changed their destiny and the destiny of kingdoms. Harold always had his hawk with him, could it have been over that ? Was Edward just sick and tired of this hawk, we will never know but All we do know is that Harold and his beloved hawk left and set out straight for the family estate in Bosham, baorded his ship and somehow managed to be captured by the fierce Count Guy, (pronounced Gee).
Harold now a prisoner, is treated with respect, his trusty Hawk still perched faithfully on his arm is taken to Guy's capitol, where Guy sits on his throne and with much pointing of fingers, the two have a talk. William getting wind of this, orders his messengers to ride furiously and hair flying in the wind to deliver a message to Guy's hand only. One of Williams messengers, Turold does the deed and Guy obeys Williams Order and takes Harold to him. Now Guy has a hawk on his arm too , ( hmmm ) A mysterious scene takes place at Rouen with William and Harold, and now William is carrying Harold's Hawk. See how they are ? Guy and William, it was their plan all along. First they want to take Harold's nice hawk and now his throne. I hate people like that! lol
King William I of England, better known as William the Conqueror was born in 1027. Others referred to him as William the Bastard, being the illegitimate son of Robert I, Duke of Normandy, and Arletta, a tanner's daughter.
William faced many battles in his life.
It may have been well known in the 11th century and rumours of a sexual scandal have lasted for centuries. Harold now in Williams debt, hawk in tow, goes with him to settle and old score with Duke Conan of Brittany.
( Mont St Michele, France. In English, Mount St Michael, for the ArchAngel Michael. Mont St Michel is glorious and has the some of the best flying buttresses on the continent)
The pass Mont St Michel, crossing the river, shields over head. Harold see's some of their soldiers are lost in the quicksand, and he begins to rescue them 2 at a time! Conan seeing scene this from afar, escapes down the castle walls on a rope. They catch up with Conan in short order, and under much cursing, flying lances, and fiery arrows, Conan at lance-point, surrenders. (In Monty Python and the Holy Grail, you catch a glimpse of Mt St Michel, along with some other famous movies as well.)
William honours Harold with Arms as a reward for his actions. This means that now William is Harolds OverLord. With Conan no longer a problem the two set back for Normandy. Along the way, again at Mont St Michel, they make a pitstop and William makes Harold take a solemn Oath on Holy Relics.
No one is quite sure what this oath was, but he is never seen with his hawk again. Most likely it was for his allegience to William, anyhoo the two sail back the England, to pay a visit to Harold's brother in law, King Edward the Confessor.
King Edward
In his upper chambers Edward privately talks with Harold and Queen Edith. Pointing his bony finger at Harold, Edward chooses him as his successor. On January 5th Edward dies, and buried in his beloved new Westminster, too ill to attend its consecration just 2 weeks before. Two "unknown" noblemen coronate Harold with the crown and axe, symbols of royal authority, that will make him King. He accepts.
The King is Dead, Long live the King
Harold is crowned King of England on 6th January 1066 - Edward's funeral was that very morning. The new king sits on a throne with nobles to the left and Archbishop Stigand to the right. Inside and out people cheer him. Out of nowhere, Halley's comet appears,and people think it is an evil omen and are terrified. Havoc and chaos everywhere! News of the comet is brought to Harold, in all the confusion no one is aware that a dark sail is on the horizon, a ghostly fleet of ships is headed their way, the Norman invasion to come. News of Edward's death and Harold's coronation is carried across the channel to William, Duke of Normandy. William is jealous and furious - He claimed that the throne of England should be his and saw Harold as a usurper! So, William decides to attack England and organises a fleet of warships. To his left sits Bishop Odo of Bayeux, ( Bayeaux? hmmm) his half-brother, making his first appearance in history, but not exactly his last mark on it......hmmm Odo is up to no good, or is he ?
William's men prepare for the invasion. Woodmen fell trees and shape them into planks. The planks are used for building boats which men drag down to the sea, and occasionally push each other off of, thus the custom of "walking the plank" begins. Food and drink are taken to the boats. So are weapons: coats of chain-maille, helmets, swords and lances, and several of the local bog wenches. William leads his army to the boats; they embark and set sail. The sea is crowded with ships, full of soldiers and horses. William sails in the ship, Ora, bought for him by his wife Matilda. Figures he didnt have his own money to buy his own ship........
Anyhoo, They reach the south coast of England on the 28th September and land at Pevensey. Soldiers ride off towards Hastings starving, soaked,and gather food and a few more of the local bog-wenches, as many having walked the plank on the way over. A feast is prepared in the open air - chickens on skewers, a stew cooked over an open fire and food from an outdoor oven. William sits down to a feast with his nobles and Bishop Odo says grace. Servants load food onto shields to carry it to the banquet..The french always have to put on a show just to eat, don't they ?
Wadard was a follower of Bishop Odo. Dukes of Brittany and others get in their way but do not succeed. Harold makes a solemn oath and then returns to Edward, just in time for his funeral. Harold is crowned King of England. William decides to attack England loads his ships and sets sail. Williams ship, his men enjoy a great feast that would put any good Roman to shame....william getting his half brothers drunk, gets them to swear and agree on financing and building him a castle. The morning of the Battle, English soldiers are hungover and on foot.
Harolds brothers die, bishop Odo appears in the battle, William raises his helmet after a fall to show he is still alive Harold dies from an arrow to the eye, and the battle is over.
"Blessed father of your country. Harold, marked out by your merits. You, our shield, fist and sword".
The death of Edward in January 1066 left England without an adult male representative of the royal line. William 'the Bastard', Duke of Normandy, claimed that Edward had promised him the kingdom as early as 1051. Harold Godwinson, Earl of Wessex and for many years the king's right hand man, claimed that Edward had 'committed the kingdom' to him on his deathbed. The Scandinavian kings often fished in troubled waters such as this, as Harald Hardrada of Norway did in September 1066, followed by Swein Estrithson of Denmark after the Conquest. ( Vikings again) Another factor in the equation was Harold's brother Tostig, exiled in 1065, who attempted to regain his eorldom by force of arms. When Edward died William started to build a fleet and gather an army in Normandy. In England, Harold and his nobles stationed an army along the south coast and a fleet off the Isle of Wight. But Tostig was first off the mark, raiding the south coast until frightened off by Harold, and the east coast until Eorl Edwin defeated him in Lindsey. Tostig fled to that Portal of Glory on Earth, Scotland, where he sheltered until joining with Harald of Norway.
After the battle Harold's sons and daughters fled abroad. His daughter Gytha had a son, Harold who went on to become the Grand Prince of Kiev. This Russian Harold had a daughter called Ingibiorg who later married Cnut Lavard of Denmark and bore him a son who became King Valdemar of Denmark from whom the current queens of both Denmark and Great Britain are descended. In this way the blood of King Harold Godwineson, runs again in the veins of the rulers of England.
On Christmas Day, he was crowned the King of England in the famed Westminster Abbey.
This foreign rule of England did not go without opposition. William had to fight off great violence in the north and west of the country.
His rule was stern, yet he commanded great respect of his subjects and maintained good order in his kingdom. However, he was merciless in the suppression of political opposition. In fact, so merciless was he that he introduced the act of beheading to England in 1076.
For all his conquests in life, William had one challenge that he could never conquer - that of being extremely fat. He was constantly ridiculed for being a "fat man" and was said to be "lying in" (pregnant).
So, in the summer of 1087, William went off to the ancient equivalent of a weight loss clinic in Rouen, France. Here he planned to trim the pounds with a strict diet of herbs and medications.
He never made it, however.
Along the way, he had to take care of a little business. He decided to retaliate against an invading French garrison at the border town of Mantes.
Of course, William and his troops won the battle.
But poor William lost his life as the result of the celebration.
It seems that his horse suddenly shied away from a fiery ember of the smoldering ruins. The horse took William and threw him violently into the saddle's iron pommel (that big knob on the front of the saddle).
Ouch! The pain!
His injuries were solely internal, but severe. The saddle burst his intestines and waste matter began to fill and poison his intestines (sounds great, huh?).
Peritonitis (inflammation of the abdominal cavity membrane) quickly set in. William was carried to Rouen where he slowly died over a period of five weeks. Pus filled his intestines.
Now for the weird, twisted part of his death:
William died on September 9, 1087 . Within minutes, the servants stole everything from his residence - including his clothes - and left his swollen, lifeless body lying naked on the floor.
An obscure knight named Herluin was the first to discover William's nude body. At his own expense (he was not a wealthy man), he arranged for the body to be prepared for the funeral and transported to Caen.
Just before the solemn funeral procession reached the church, the cries of fire were heard. The mourners were forced to put his coffin down and go fight the fire. Eventually, they put the fire out, returned to the body, and continued it along its way to the church.
The funeral was held on a blisteringly hot day. As a result, his abscess had swelled and became putrid.
When they tried to fit William's body into a custom made sarcophagus (stone tomb), they found out that it had swelled so much that it would not fit in!
What to do? What to do?
Very simple - squeeze him in!
They tried pushing him in to no avail. They then pushed on his swelled abdominal wall. (BIG mistake!)
Guess what?
William the Conqueror's body burst like a popped balloon!
The pus and putrefaction drenched the King's burial garb. The stench filled the chapel. The mourners raced for the doors with their hands covering their noses. (I wasn't even there and I can imagine the smell!) Needless to say, they buried him very quickly!
His body was allowed to rot in peace until 1562 when the Huguenots dug him up and threw his bones all over the courtyard.
William's grave is currently marked by a marble slab with a Latin inscription, the slab dates from the early 19th century. The grave was defiled twice, once during the French Wars of Religion, when his bones were scattered across the town of Caen and again during the French Revolution. Following those events, only William's left femur remains in the tomb.
So ends the strange, smelly death of William the Conqueror.
King Harlods humble tomb at Waltham
May God have mercy on his soul
Tomb of William the Bastard's leg bone at Caen, France